Exogenous processes

I started this site a year ago, because I wanted to do something more than just work, rinse, and repeat. I don’t write as much as I would like to, but I’m starting to remember what it is like to pursue what I want. I think that must be something we lose in this thing called adulthood, whatever the hell that is supposed to be. From what I’ve seen in the last two decades, it can go sideways pretty quickly, depending on one’s proclivity for bad decision-making or on the amount of time spent living up or down to the expectations of others. This last year has been especially useful in teaching how useless is a life lived for others’ eyes. The shining moments are those when we live for ourselves, with those happy to be along for the ride. Not everyone wants the same thing, and that is more than okay. In fact, I think most days are okay days. The little challenges come and go, and when we remember how impermanent all of this can be, I think we are at our best. Somehow, though, in the day-to-day, this gets lost. We fool ourselves willingly into thinking that we have so much time, when we don’t. I hope anyone who reads this stops for just a moment and drinks in everything nearby, slows time down, and attempts to answer these very real questions: What am I doing? What do I want? What am I doing to get it? It’s maddeningly simple, and yet the weeks speed by, and sometimes we have little to show for it beyond bills paid and X’s on the calendar.

I want to be surrounded by dreamers. I know they’re still out there, because my circle is filled with them, and even though we don’t always dream together, I have a feeling there are many more of Us than Them. I also think one of the keys to happiness is unlocking the door for the dreamer inside. There’s far too much beyond the simple career boundaries–unless that career truly is part of the dream, in which case, my glass is raised. That hasn’t been my experience yet.

In typical fashion, I have bitten off more than I can chew, but I think this time I’m going to finish it. Strange little tributaries of distraction and experimentation have worn through the familiar landscape, reshaping the terrain and working their way to join together on the other side.

A river is forming.

I think this will be the last year that work, rinse, repeat will suffice. Something much bigger has called for too long, and the more I listen, the more I hear it.

I’ll see you out there.

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